This blog is over.

Boxes can be broken down and I am bored with the concept.

...Or how the window latch grants you freedom.

Oh serious summer, sweltering and lonely.
I have longed to reach deep inside you and discover what I think I already know
about how you operate, how you tease.
The breeze is few and far between and the hammock swings to and fro but spastic.
Whenever I fall, I get on again and drive my desire right back to the heat and the
relief of this feeling...that it will soon end.
And I'll be cold.

My first thoughts and more to come about the latch and other beautiful and inspiring poetry I spent time with this past July.

A window is a window

A window is a window by any other name. It has been a year since I have written but now I am on a path to transform what I called "the box" to a real awake and conscience life. I have left out and will mostly leave out all of the gory details...that way if we have coffee or a drink we will have something to talk about. Anyway, the year after that first summer of teaching intensive I came back to my "job" with new inspiration and some strength. No matter, though I did a fantastic job with my students (if I do say so myself) I struggled with some major collegial issues. Mainly, I think my abilities to communicate and create space for new initiatives made people cranky. The old Saturns and melancholics just can't handle my vibrancy. I have never been the kind of person to say such positive things about myself but I becoming better at it.

So back to the window. I am an artist; specifically, I have a talent for drama. I can make it happen (yes, in everyday life but I mean the staged kind) and I have become confident in my ability, especially in working with teenagers. Teenagers need to be respected so that they can experience self-respect. Though young people should "respect their elders", I think that we as a culture generally go about it the wrong way. I am discovering that as I show them respect, they almost always work their hardest and stretch themselves. More on this as I go as this is the actual window that I am speaking of. My love for working with the students and initiating a new vision of drama with adolescents, I am freeing myself from the proverbial box, opening myself to the world and becoming the mother, teacher and human being that I have been praying for. For my thesis at CFA, I will ask an important question about drama and teens and explore and explain over the next year. I am hoping to write every day and breathe, breathe that fresh air as it blows in and blows by.

Still in a box but I have a window.

the girl in the box; this is an experiment.

I'm exploring a brick in the wall and basically feeling trapped. I can't wake up in the morning feeling good, though I could be depressed, I feel like I'm in a box. My life feels like a box. The joy is already in my life, I'm told. Why am I still looking for it? Somehow, the job I love is also the job I hate though it's the right path. The people I work with spend a lot of time talking about how to talk about the decisions that need to be made. "Should we have a conversation about that?" is usually the intro to what I really think is the conversation that should be "I really don't want to make decisions and live with the consequences of that decision so I will avoid it by having a long, drawn out, often fruitless, civilized disagreement. Aren't I doing the same thing right now?

I want to go to where the breakdown in joy began, maybe.....spent many years and thousands of dollars in therapy: One marriage and 2 children later I'm in the box. Don't lecture me on making choices. It's easy to make choices after you make mistakes. Children aren't mistakes. Husbands aren't even mistakes. Boxes are mistakes.